Which Way is Up??

post hiatus....

2010-03-03T19:48:00.002-09:00

well I've lay dormant long enough...I cannot say that I've achieved clarity but I can say I am feeling a new inward motivation to do something more than just be ordinary. I struggle daily with an inability to understand why we live like we do? I also feel frustrated when attempting to express a coeherent and intelligible existence that would be a reality and not merely words on paper. I mean a change in lifestyle that people could cope with and the practical ways that each one of us would have to undertake personally and as a collective. on and on ....lets learn together

We just had to leave all that behind....

2009-06-10T12:32:00.002-08:00

The AK summer is teasing taunting and convincing me more each day that it will be hard to leave this place. I find my newest plans shakin out like so...leave AK for the South of France sometime between July or August, Return to NY for a wedding in September, then return to AK for the New Year and the beginning of my next venture....Pro SKIER!!! No more games. Big Mountains, big thrills, no money, no worries...in short Live the Life you Seek.

My kin arrives here in the north on the morrow. Im pretty psyched we are gonna party down like its 1999.

Glory to the Rosanero they finished in 6th place within the Serie A Table.

Picture update soon....

~PullTab

Fearless...

2009-03-27T23:07:00.003-08:00

It is the eve of my love's departure and once again I find myself gripped with the paradoxical feelings of Joy and Despair....
Joy because we have met and we have spent time together....Despair because now we must part

C'est la vie

~PullTab

...no this cant happen to me...

2009-03-05T19:33:00.004-09:00

it is that way. I am in a state of such anticipation I think it is almost comical. I find myself with the realization that some deep breathing and observation of my heartbeat is the only meditation. Sleep is now fleeting and I stare outside the window and watch the snow fall. As it settles I await the arrival and subsequent end of summer. I need time to march on. Why is it that now that i have a desire for a few months to gloss over each day has seemed longer than the one before? mai mai mai i dont know if i can stand it

Its my yearly anniversary of evaluation and I actually feel good this year. Hopeful, interest in the future. Pleased with doing what i want for the reasons that i want to. even if i do complain once in awhile...my reality is always quite pleasant. All i can do is find someway to try and pass the next day as quickly as i can.

~PullTab

Candy Says

2009-03-04T10:43:00.002-09:00

....I dig the quiet places ... All is in order and Juliet is set to arrive in the next 72 hours. Anxious would be a vast understatement. For better or worse I can think of nothing else for the time being. Trying to embrace the now and keep myself from being disappointed by anticipating the outcome of upcoming situations. When you know someone better than anyone and yet you dont know them...this is my conundrum.

Oh yeah I started a band with an Irishman....

The Rosanero hold the middle of the Serie A table. A disappointing derby result against Catania 4-0.

~PullTab

...and she was

2009-02-24T13:02:00.004-09:00

As if christmas were early this year I shall receive the undeserved gift of my sweet Juliet's presence in only 10 days time. It is hard to grasp. How will the reality of this whole situation pan out?? Will our reunion be eclipsed by our eventual parting and consequent despair at the distance between us?? I wish i could effortlessly say "sure, everything will be fine." But this has been one of the longest, most difficult (at the same time wonderful) 30 days in my adult memory. My other dilemma is how do I entertain my sweet once she arrives. How does one avoid building up a false image when you desire approval from someone that is important to you?? Honesty is a fickle beast....

~PullTab

be here....

2009-02-23T00:58:00.006-09:00

Fate is indeed a cruel mistress... I am racked with jubilation and despair. My sweet Juliet is so far from me and I am helpless. I could and would happily sacrifice any and all commitments here in AK if she would approve, but somehow I know she would not allow it. How is it that one can receive human emotion over a digital medium?? Is it just as real this way?

i will publish these thoughts unfinished, as a few days have passed

~PullTab

Master of Lethargy

2009-02-09T18:10:00.005-09:00

I dont think its worth false promises that this blog will be maintained...let results speak for themselves. I have indeed visited the Land Of Siam and now everything is different. I left the states with the timeless task of "Finding Myself" by being by myself. While the majority of the journey indeed found me traveling alone in the end something far better came along.... I found someone else, rather we found one another ( i never know how to write this {one and other} or [one another]).

I shall change names to protect the innocent but I have found my Juliet...Indeed I find myself uttering her name aloud, smiling absently, and daydreaming endlessly of what how and when our future will begin and subsequently be. We met on my final night of my Thai holiday. We are separated by half a world regardless of our travel methods. With her residing in Switzerland and myself in the far north of Alaska. To compound my discontent I find myself bound by contract to remain employed here in the land of the midnight sun until the second week of August. Yet Juliet is indeed my sun and desires nothing more than to be by my side, even if that means she would have to live here in AK.

I need not extol the beauty of either her soul or her body....She is heavenly and more. I think of her each and every minute of every day

The Rosanero are ranked sixth in the Serie A Table....Lets hope they can hold out and carry through until the end of the season while remaining in the Top 10.

~PullTab

Haven't you had enough

2008-11-13T16:44:00.002-09:00

It's always a game. and Im always playing. Sometimes I just forget that not everyone else is. Finding myself having a familiar run-in with the old "look before you leap" idea. Something in my brain must be deficient. or mayhaps the problem is that i insist in manifesting a reality in my mind and like a clown somehow thinking that is how something might turn out. Why am i in a funk lately? I looked at my window today and realized that i miss the light. I want to feel warmth from standing in sunlight. Soon...the Land of Smiles approaches.

promises by the hour (bigmouth strikes again)

2008-11-03T01:41:00.004-09:00

So its been said before, maybe I can try it again. I will participate in this blog. Promise ;-). So sorry if you missed me. I'm still in Anchorage. I hope to be in Thailand for the New Year. I technically am a volunteer for EPC. In honesty I've yet to commit man hours to this project finding so many ways to be distracted and looking to unwind after the full time work. My job is becoming a job and that's sad for me. This job used to supply me with fresh perspectives and fresh ideas each day that I was involved. I find the work I've chosen used to provide an insight that I would attempt to apply to reality. At least my reality. Maybe things are changing within my mental perception of where I belong on this planet. The choices I make and who I really consider myself beholden to.hmmm....

side note: my headings usually bore some kind of reference be it historical or trivial phrases/quotes. Now I will be making a determined effort to craft somekind of reference to myself as to some of the things keeping my attention that particular day.

Palermo is having a hell of season!! Quick update this being the first mention of the Rosanero. Amauri was indeed traded to Juventus, oh well. The 0'08 season finds Palermo tied for sixth place in Serie A. Miccoli is the new Gloden boy.

neglect is exactly why this blog is so hard to maintain.
~PullTab

what the hell happened?!?!

2008-08-09T01:24:00.002-08:00

Laziness...Ive been in a tent for the last month so that is a valid excuse for part of the time anyway....In truth I have been hitting my six month wall. The period whenever I become confused, scared, or otherwise unsure of what lies ahead. On a positive note I will be receiving my first guest tomorrow. My mother is actually venturing to the great north. Even better she will have a brief introduction to cordova. A town that by the day captures and pulls me closer to permanent residency. Although Ive been warned that I must first experience a full winter here, no arguments on that point. New opportunities continue to arise and greet my undeserved soul. I still wonder sometimes, who is the real me? Who are you?? blast...there i go again. existentialism is boredom and lack of inspiration. One fiery end note to the days events...Russia has invaded Georgia. No not the state although the confusion would at least create more exposure in the news. Military bombing ceased sometime this morning although there have been unconfirmed reports of oil spilling into the Black sea, as a result of russian air strikes on the port pipelines carrying Caspian Sea oil. Well no promises but I will try not to neglect this window to my soul!!

say you miss me

2008-05-23T21:36:00.002-08:00

shame shame for my delinquency... not much goin on we are still unpacking more stuff each day and trying to establish the essentials andt how to best organize them. I am branching out here in anchorage, but once again the countdown begins. ~June 18th I will be traveling to Cordova with Robbin and the kids. I am really excited to go back to a small town. In addition to the cool locale their will be a myriad of exciting projects going on with EPC. The Eyiak Preservation Council is Robbin's new employer, the head of whom is a long time friend of the family. Back to the real Alaska at any rate so I'm once again torn between the feelings of melancholy for what i'm leaving behind and the excitement of where I am headed.

~PullTab

I am nature, you are art

2008-05-07T22:56:00.003-08:00

I remain without a consistent connection and so regrettebly have been unable to keep on top of this online venue. I wait for something, yet i know not what it may be. I pour my free time in the literal and figurative sense seeking inspiration. I find none. I sit staring into sceneries, books, empty space endless lamenting what ifs and should haves. Where does one find the strength to embrace the now?? I find it harder still to plan for the future. I find myself indentured to my own inadequacy as an enlightened, emboldened, or any other self seeking adjective that I lack the courage to maintain in truth or pretense. Alas a smile adorns my face for I know not the woes my existence may yet yield.

~PullTab

quatro de mayo

2008-05-04T16:00:00.002-08:00

same old same old sprinkled with some new i suppose. I have begun making my first forays into the anchorage scene. Wandered the streets friday night with a backpack and a complete lack of purpose... it was glorious. Stopped in at many random shops, hit the bookstore, stopped by the thrift shop, and dined vienamese style. I concluded the night with a stop at the local dive Chilkoot Charlies, legendary here in anchorage for the "last" stop of the night kind of scene. It did not disappoint me in that sense and to say the least it was a dramatic shift from the dillingham scene. I don't belong in cities!! I sat with mouth agape for the span of three guinesses watching young, atrociously clad vixens flinging themselves at men of little or no class. Ohh but good news to report... the mullet is alive and well here in Las Anchorage :-). I had to avert my eyes at the sheer volume of mullet i was forced to take in. by the way this all occured friday night.

Saturday was a late celebration of russian orthodox easter with the family's neighbor Natalie. WOW. I was made to consume vodka's from around the nordic realms while feasting amongst some folks from around the neighborhood of greek and russian lineage (quite a bunch). I have to say it was quite an enjoyable time and I met some new folks that with a little luck will become friends around this godforsaken urban jungle ;-). I forgot to mention that before the festivities I went out with some couch crashers at my current establishment. We saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and then celebrated cinco de mayo early with some Margarita's at La Mex haha one of the most unauthentic mexican fare establishments ive ever had the pleasure of being part of. I am struck now with the statement I had made perhaps a month and a half ago. That I might attempt to limit and/or eliminate the consumption of alcoholic beverages. well chalk up that dismal failure and very clear example of self denial!! I don't know maybe I am being swept up in the surroundings but i look only to myself for the blame. Admittedly i may have even made the pledge while under the influence, go figure. Dont judge me ya bastid. well i think this post has given you quite a glimpse into my beginnings here is Anchorage ...

The Rosanero gained a glorious victory over Lazio this morning, 2-1. Amauri scored both goals in the last 15 minutes i fear that he will be picked up this season by a team with more prestige. If indeed he does all the best for I think he has shown decent if not significant displays of talent throughout the season, though he will be missed

Interenet is still dodgy at the residence so sorry for the lack of postings to my non existent audience ;-). (beside my one kind and compassionate sibling thanks brosef)

~PullTab

do something

2008-04-30T19:38:00.002-08:00

I enjoyed a nice cigar last evening on the back deck alone with my thoughts. I really just don't know where my writing is going these days. I am getting an occasional poem to trickle out but it isn't as easy as it used to be. I don't know if they were ever any good anyway. It's frustrating to be without a peer to bounce them off of. At least then you can read the non verbal cues as to how good the said passage or poem may have been. Even the blogging has me wondering... is it constructive, worth the time that i put into it. Maybe I don't have anything interesting to contribute to the wide web community. anyway on and on...

speaking of worthless poetry ;-)

The daylight

The dawn daylight and the eve's
light fade
Silence descends
ascending to crescendo

Midnight through mayan blues
Its hues wash down to
the horizon.
Falling through white
through gold
Splashing into deep red
and pale brown.

The hillside silent as to
its slope
The distance of the rise
only shown in the
snowy patches

The evergreens silent and
black, still silouhettes
against which the spectrum
shines through

~PullTab

on the move, out of touch

2008-04-29T09:04:00.002-08:00

I have been in anchorage since saturday. Unfortunately internet connectivity is limited so I am writing this from a guest computer. I've been settling in and once again we are living in a sea of boxes. Living in a house has already raised the comfort level. I have seen moose everyday I have been here so far. Yesterday one was not more than 5 feet from our living room window. The moose are clever enough to realize they will not be hunted within the city limits. The anchorage from dillingham move has been tinged with a bittersweet feeling. My gripes... CITY Speed living, being reintroduced to all you can handle and more consumerism. The upside...I can explore more cultural events, concerts, etc alone and with the kids, prices for most though not all groceries are significantly reduced (although i read in the morning paper the food prices are expected to soar through the summer), the all you can handle consumerism is a benefit when you realize you really really need something. Anyway I will try and get myself online and back to a more consistent posting schedule asap.

The Rosanero took a tie with Atalanta this weekend, they are holding on to tenth place :-).

~PullTab

it's all you

2008-04-22T23:18:00.002-08:00

guess who?? take responsibility time. Ive procrastinated packing, writing electronically/traditionally, keeping in contact with different friends. The reasons or excuses rather, take your pick busy preparing to move, regular household chaos, a slumping creative flow... who knows who cares.

I sat outside this evening around 10:30ish. I wrote to myself as I often need to. Setting goals down on paper so I don't ignore or deny that they exist. even scratched out a bit of poetry. Do other people set themselves against a standard whatever it may be, or who they are, that is above themselves? Is it o.k....not ok, but is it possible to really embrace where you are and what you have? Yes I am confident that overall I'm a good person, but I don't know if I aspire to be myself...if that makes sense. To know I would have to be outside myself I suppose

Rest assured I feel myself striving, often times struggling to be the person I truly desire to be. It should be as simple as wanting to be it and being it, right? I dont feel that way sometimes, but you tell me.

~PullTab

better than never

2008-04-18T00:38:00.003-08:00

I've been in such a funk since I crashed. I can't write a passage, sentence, or word without replaying the events. Even without the recollection I feel this impending sense of failure. Like it's been following me for the last year and a half. Since I ended the engagement. I so completely cut myself off from that life that I don't know... maybe their was no closure. I don't even know what I am seeking. Love? Friendship? Acceptance? Pity? I want to cry sometimes, but their are no tears. Nothing. The scene in the movie where the character stare at their own reflection.... and come to grips with themselves. Except that I lack the epiphany

~PullTab

ahh well

2008-04-15T23:06:00.002-08:00

i don't know what to say anymore... i'm completely blank these last couple of days. I still am turning over the events of sunday morning. My host family has been extremely gracious and very forgiving. So much so that I feel even more guilty about the whole thing. I feel all alone again. I suppose Anchorage is where I shall start anew. Mayhaps things will fall into place.

The Rosanero have really turned things around. They have reentered the top ten of Serie A and should be able to avoid relegation to Serie B.

~PullTab

are we there yet??

2008-04-13T12:00:00.005-08:00

well it's been a few days since my last post, and what a busy week it has been. I enjoyed a fantastic day of hiking and exploring the lake. All was well in terms of work as well as on the home front. Until last night or this morning rather. I was returning to the apartment and rounding the last bend headed for the home stretch, I Crashed!! I came around the corner the back end slid out and as I hit the snowbank going sideways the tires re gripped and I did a half barrel roll. I was completely unharmed. I feel terribly embarrassed, it being such a small town. Everyone that knows the family has been calling or stopping by to make sure no one was hurt. The only thing injured was my dignity and any last shred of self respect. Just when I thought I was making moves in the right direction.

i am so blah right now

~PullTab

is it enough...

2008-04-08T21:46:00.003-08:00

I've made it a point of late to be true to myself. To spend each day with purpose, to quote the great Myamoto Musashi "Do no thing which is of no use". I have applied this to many of parts of my life and for the first time since ever having read or heard this statement felt a sense of attaining sight of this goal. Only to be reminded how much of a journey such an accomplishment will be. I had a more formal meeting with my employers this evening. The general tone was positive and constructive by all parties. My only shortcomings and admittedly so was only "doing enough". Not pouring myself into the time spent with the kids wholeheartedly. Teaching them formally, as opposed to being involved in play that does not necessarily teach. I admit my guilt in these claims. My admission as an apology should be, also is a pledge to change. The burden lies on me to now go above and beyond. I only need to be true and realize that I have the knowledge, abilities, desire, and determination to follow through with this pledge. With that I bid a kind farewell for the evening.

~PullTab

...the brass on the titanic

2008-04-06T22:00:00.002-08:00

The days get better and better. Enjoyed the company of a family friend tonight. Had a delicious home cooked meal with pleasant conversation. I am beginning to realize that I may not go home again. Home being where I came from. Not for awhile. It's early to say such a thing, but I am intoxicated with a sense of.... exploration. Discovery. Reinvention. Who knows? It's been 1 month 25 days and 1 hour since I left the east coast. But now... I am me. and I am myself for the first time in a long time. All this is written in high spirits and with a sense of calm. I will be home wherever I am for the rest of my days. At least for as long as I can hold onto the idea. on and on, on and on

Palermo had a glorious 3-2 victory over Juventus. The losing streak is over. Glory to the Rosanero!!

~PullTab

What about your friends??

2008-04-05T20:33:00.003-08:00

So I had a fantastic end to my week. I volunteered at another youth dance on Friday night for the local kids organization, SAFE. I have also met someone to spend some time with as a friend. A person who has some similar stories of woe and misfortune, but also the insight to look for the positive ways to move forward and deal with the situations life is destined to throw one's way. Today she brought me to Aleknagik lake for the first time and it was rather impressive to say the least. I also had chinese food for the first time in two months!! It was an awesome day to chill and relax and enjoy the company of another with no agendas, hidden or otherwise.

Good Luck to Palermo in the morning.

~PullTab

3 times and you lose

2008-04-03T23:40:00.002-08:00

even when they tell you
the words plain as day
you just cant forget it
you cant let it go
you have these feelings
they must come from somewhere
but you know they are telling the truth
which part of you is lying
your mind or your heart
still reaching grasping seeking
something that may not exist
hung up on a notion of an emotion
one that cant be termed or contained
and yet its there and then
its gone
it never was
and it always
will be

~PullTab

shame shame

2008-04-01T23:32:00.002-08:00

So my host family took me out last night for a "few" birthday drinks. Guess what happened?? We found ourselves on a 4am talk until you drop kind of drunk. The two of us moped around the house while the kids hounded us to stop being slouches. At least you can't get in trouble when it's your boss who gave you the hangover :-). I don't have much reflection in particular about my actual birthday. I suppose I have finally attained one thing I have always wished for throughout the years. That is to be somewhere, to be doing something fulfilling, to grow, and to achieve a place in this crazy world. The countdown begins and in 24 days we will be in Anchorage. A new page will turn on this Alaskan adventure.

The Rosanero are in a nosedive right now. There are 8 games left I believe, and they may be fighting just to stay in the league, whoa is me!!

~PullTab

what comes is better, than what came before

2008-03-29T02:21:00.002-08:00

I have embraced all that has been part and what shall be in my life. Patience indeed shall yield all that might be needed in one's life. I have made it through one month and more away from all that I love and hold dear. I no doubt miss many things that were left behind I am discovering new and exciting things about others and myself at every opportunity. The strength to exist alone is not an easy thing to take hold of.... Nevertheless it is a trait which can be an anchor during our darkest hour, or it can shine as one of our greatest triumphs. It is something which can exist in both forms simultaneous. The situation that you realize either state shall determine how you perceive it.

~PullTab

the days are long, but the years are short

2008-03-26T21:39:00.003-08:00

I've got no reasons for complaining. Is that simply stated enough. Even my worst days would be blinding bright in their gloriouparesness comd to the daily struggle of some people in this world. Cleandom, and water, warm bed, food, free decent health. I am writing this in the off chance people actually read this stuff and mistake my writings as whiny banter and utter ramblings. Some days are just harder than others. But days go by and the cliches keep coming and you just have to go with it. Not that we must disregard our sorrow, but we should embrace every moment as it comes to us and reflect. With reflection we may gain insight and in turn produce a positive outcome or at least a positive thought to be deposited in our knowledge banks. I don't even know what this is all heading towards so in short. Love Life, and for those who know the song, sing along...Be Well and Be Free

Palermo undergoes a coaching change in hopes that they can turn around the remainder of the season. They face many tough opponents and an uphill mental battle to overcome the string of defeats they have suffered of late. Glory to the Rosanero!!!!

~PullTab

Cats

2008-03-24T22:49:00.005-08:00

Her eyes lit up as she peeled the blanket from her curled body.

"There's a cat," she whispered.

"I know."

She rose eyes still fixed on my own, face aglow. She slowly tipped toward the cat, and glided into a sitting position. Two more cats joined the first and basked in the seemingly endless affection that this little girl was prepared to give. Her small Princess Jasmine nightgown flowing in a messy circle about her. It was this that Emma's existence seemed destined. For these cats to be loved and Emma to love them.

All the cats appeared to be the same age and even the same sex, and none of them bore any physical resemblance. Emma, however had decided with great certainty there was a "mommy" cat and two "baby" cats. In her words.

"Because I just know, that is the Mommy cat and those are her babies."

**Who am I to argue with a child's infinite and innocent wisdom.

Written sometime in early July 2007 while babysitting.
**Written tonight

~PullTab

what to do?

2008-03-23T16:40:00.002-08:00

Staring off blankly
dragging feet
to match your heart

A wandering pen
joined by a mind
a mind at a loss

So much to be,
to be thankful
and yet still want

Cleaning up a mess
but not the one
the mess that is you

Is it all so wrong
a world you shut out
looking inside to find nothing

You can't quite place it
your despair, your melancholy
only that it is yours, only yours

So sums up the easter weekend, don't ask me why but i cant keep a smile on my face. Keep on keepin on...

~PullTab

you tell me

2008-03-20T21:44:00.004-08:00

The sun has set
darkness creeps
consuming swallowing
engulfing all

The sun also rises
light pours
pushing shining
illuminating

The path was lost
but hope was not
Perseverance
Persevered

I wrote that somewhere over Minnesota on the flight to Anchorage and rediscovered it today thought I'd pass it along. I don't really have anything else to ponder or spout about

A couple starts to poems that haven't materialized or been looked at since their initial scrawling...

Lined up in pews
with nothin to lose
Their scant an' skinny souls
are laid to waste

and this

A king without a crown
on a hill looking down
small in stature
big of heart

The loves of his people
all he desires
politics and leeches
around his keep build a fire

A disconnect
a distant whim
his people wander
ponder, how to reach him?

and finally

Hangin from the ceiling
swingin from the shades
duckin under tables
runnin in a haze

~PullTab

greedy

2008-03-19T22:51:00.001-08:00

Tonight I write for myself but stay tuned I'll be back tomorrow....

Palermo suffered defeat once again, Parma wins 2-1

~PullTab

into the hole

2008-03-18T22:18:00.002-08:00

I got to experience something new today, well two new things actually. My first chance to check out a snow cave. Impressive in size actually, it had two rooms and was a split level. Even more surprising...I met a banker I actually like, hmmph who knew some of them actually dislike money!! The gent was the architect and primary builder of the cave. He was kind enough to have us over for dinner and share some of his home brewed beer. While this flies in the face of my previous temperance pledge, I think nothing should be absolute especially when offered as a gift. Don't judge me ;-). Besides I worked out before I went so as long as goals are being achieved I'm happy. There is still a little tension left over from yesterday, but change is within site so I'll keep on keepin on.

Palermo has a match against Parma tomorrow about 10:30 my time. Parma is only a few points from relegation so they are expected to play with ferocity, determination, and desperation. A dangerous combination in the Glorious Game.

~PullTab

well you had to go and say it

2008-03-17T21:40:00.004-08:00

So I finally got a bit of a reality check and had a bit of a...I can't say tough day, how about trying. I just found myself going in circles and second guessing my actions, looking over my shoulder and the like. I've been through worse and some things are better left to be dealt with by oneself ;-). As always it's better to accept and realize other people's faults as your own. Think of how their perspective has merit and what can you do to help resolve the situation large or small.... an unintended transition

Though by no means do I want these writings to become political or an opinion blog I may use this space to voice some of the things that bother me in the day to day news feeds. I will however try and keep them separate from the personal writings. without further ado...

Why is it that we have been so conditioned to forget that Tibet was once a sovereign nation? That it has a government widely recognized to be in exile? Today's daily reports as far as I could tell accepted and often stated that China is trying to play nice and win over the Olympic committee to bring the games to china, and "used necessary force to quell the violent protests."
It parallels other conflicts of displaced and oppressed regional peoples e.g., kashmir, palestine, taiwan, darfur, cuba... these conflicts are not cut and dry, I'm not so naive as to think that one side would or could be absolutely right. My question is, what do you do when your back is to the wall and legitimate, peaceful avenues of resolution are falsely offered or denied? To quote the hero in V for Vendetta, "Violence can be used for good." <--- Is that true, again not cut and dry. Some people can only be pushed so far and then they feel trapped and push back, as we often see usually to their own demise. Using violence in my opinion forfeits the moral high ground, but I can't help but sympathize. Ill leave any further ranting aside at the risk of diluting the whole passage. It does however remind of a poem I wrote more about dealing with personal weaknesses and relationships, but that's where it all begins I suppose.

Where did we lose it?
Where has it gone?
The love for each other,
the acceptance of wrong.

I'm not your judge,
and you are not mine.
You've never been weak?
Not once unkind?

We need not be brothers,
or friends of any kind.
To know that I am you,
and all that's yours is mine.

I speak not of things
in the physical realm.
Rather those which lie
in our hearts, in our minds.

I leave you only
that which I know.
Brother, sister, stranger, friend
take my hand for now and all time.

~PullTab

so sad...

2008-03-16T22:20:00.002-08:00

I've been steadily increasing my biking time and introducing more of a workout routine afterwards. I certainly have better stamina since I've begun. I'm thinking about cutting alcohol completely out of my diet and perhaps starting to practice some martial arts. That would have to wait for Anchorage in May so that I might receive proper instruction. We shall have to see, I certainly enjoy those adult beverages. I have been keeping the Italian going, but again it would be nice to have some proper instruction. So I joined a group in Anchorage which meets to speak, discuss, and celebrate all things Italian. I am embracing this chance to reinvent myself and am finding more things out about myself than I have in quite some time.

Palermo have suffered another defeat. The season is winding down and a chance at qualification for the UEFA Cup is all but lost. Hopefully they can finish in the top half of the table, but even that isn't a sure thing.

Celebrate, we've passed the dreaded "Ides of March"

~PullTab

relax

2008-03-15T20:42:00.004-08:00

Today was used to lay low and get some things done that I've been putting off. I penned a few letters and cleaned my room, which serves as my only true personal space for the time being. I have gotten to know more of the local folks here in dillingham. I volunteered at a youth dance on Thursday evening, that was a trip. Watching middle schoolers run around being too cool for their own good. I tried to realize what little clique would I have been part of had I been a peer of theirs. It was enjoyable regardless of their punky ways. Yesterday we watched Dogsled Racing and did some sledding with the children around town. That's all I've got...

Big match for Palermo tomorrow against Inter!!

~PullTab

busy beaver

2008-03-14T23:33:00.003-08:00

I've been busy around Dillingham attending Beaver Round Up events... a full post before tomorrow is out....

~PullTab

I do mind, the Dude minds.

2008-03-12T22:33:00.002-08:00

I've decided to bring all guns to bear, so to speak, on my financial woes. The head in the sand approach has left me buried. It's not that anyone else is too blame, more just an improper self righteousness. Nothing new right? Anyway all I can do is continue on the proper path of living within one's own means and realizing what things in life are actually a necessity. That and beg, borrow, or steal anything else that I Have to Have ;-). Besides those bastids will get their money. I just wish their was a little more push back power against the one's who are holding the bills. But there I go trying to push the blame. To quote Beck "...nobody's fault, nobody's fault, but my own."

I received some encouraging words from old and new friends through the good ole US mail yesterday. Despite my entering into this digital medium I must say that nothing will replace the joy of a letter with your name on it, or pen and paper correspondence with people you care about.

March 12, 1943 - Aaron Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man" was performed for the first time, by the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra with Eugene Goossens conducting. (New York Times, On This Day)....My friend requested this as his theme music when his band Vasillias Kovoros made it's debut, an event which has yet to occur.

~PullTab

or does it

2008-03-11T22:05:00.003-08:00

I think I've decided what's been getting to me lately. It's that I'm alone. Not in the physical sense, but emotionally I'm isolated. I know this is something that we all must face I've just never gotten good at it. In fact these feelings are what get me into trouble. I let myself get so excited and uplifted when I meet someone even remotely interesting.

The chance for romance
you've been here before
what shall be your stance?

Don't dive right in,
the water's clear,
and sure you can swim

Look what's submerged,
there are rocks below
and they aim to purge

Step back from the cliff
take a look around
dont keep asking, What if?

Maybe you should be the lake
and someone can check you out
see if you're the chance that they should take

apologies for the punctuation and somewhat cheap rhyme scheme... but i wrote it as I typed. Well that settles it I suppose...

~untitled~

2008-03-10T23:40:00.002-08:00

On the run,
at it again.
Where will you go?
What of your friends?

You're new to all,
what a guy?
But still not yourself,
wonder why?

A clean sheet
a fresh start.
Keep it neat,
ignore your heart.

Life's old again
time to run.
Goodbye old new life,
sure was fun.

~PullTab

well fed and well read...

2008-03-10T23:22:00.002-08:00

I'm experiencing the looming feeling of I don't know what. It's hard to say I'm unhappy, it's more that I'm unsure of so many things. I don't know what or whose approval I'm waiting for but it must be something. I've gotten to a point where I am looking backwards and am not always pleased with the way I dealt with responsibilities and other things "adult" in this life. The approaching birthday is gripping me I suppose. I just want to be able to achieve something that I can be personally proud of. I don't know what direction to take this post. At this point I'll let it be. Ah well I've still got every desire to push breath from these lungs...that will have to do for now.

March 10th, 1922 - Mahatma Gandhi is arrested in India, tried for sedition, and sentenced to six years in prison, although he is released after two years in February 1924 after an operation for appendicitis. (wikipedia)

~PullTab

skinny skis

2008-03-09T23:09:00.003-08:00

So the x-country misadventure was a success! It had been well over a decade since I delved into the flatland ski scene. I fell on my ass twice at the start, but after that I just slinked awkwardly across the ice pack. At least there is never anyone around to see you looking like a fool, besides the wildlife. Certainly a great workout. After the first hour I actually got into a gliding rhythm and I kind of enjoyed it. What I realized...How much I need to get a pair of downhill skis out here!! We will be in Anchorage before to long so I am waiting until then before I start acquiring more possessions. You can only fit so much on those small planes.

A side note, I forgot to mention some new friends I met on my Friday night outing. A local councilman and his cousin. Cool folks who were kind enough to entertain me after the Sea Inn was done for the night, the bar closes here at 2 a.m. The cousin, a girl my age, owns this awesome little house in the classic Alaskan lodge style. They hopefully will be contacts I can keep should I ever return to Dillingham.

...on and on it goes.

~PullTab

Snow Day

2008-03-08T21:35:00.004-09:00

I went with some friends out on the tundra today to chop down some lumber for a construction project. I also was able to take out a snow machine (snow mobile) for a few hours. They are pretty fun and very reminiscent of motorcycling. Heavier and so a bit slower, less maneuverable but still quite a ride on the open flats. It's hard to grasp how quickly the vistas can change from one clearing to the next when you are out there. There are times when you are in broad rings of trees and can see little, go less than 500-1000 yards in a direction and you have a sweeping panorama of mountain ranges...breathtaking and intimidating mountain ranges.

The Rosanero secured a tie with Udinese... respectable but they need to secure more wins if they hope to gain a berth for the UEFA Cup. Next week is another challenging game against current Serie A league leaders Inter Milan... daunting to say the least.

Tomorrow is a possible X-country skiing adventure. If the weather permits and the body is willing I shall enjoy a solo adventure...

Buona Notte

~PullTab

but...How Does It Make You Feel??

2008-03-07T22:05:00.003-09:00

I feel change coming to me but I don't know why?? Maybe my mental state has arrived where my physical form has been waiting for me. I am reading often and find myself staring at the words or reading without comprehension, adrift in the plot. I've also been guilty of meandering across the internet in search of who knows what?? It's a sneaking anxiety although it's beginning to or arriving at a climax or anticlimax I suppose. prolly nuthin

Glory to the Rosanero may they defeat Udinese before the sunset on the 'morrow!!!

~PullTab

...not again

2008-03-06T21:49:00.004-09:00

Say what you mean and mean what you say!!! This time, this march the 6th, 2008; I will attempt to post to this blog on a daily basis..or at least every other day!!

My absence has again left a void on this page, and these gaps I'd rather just leave as they are instead of trying to cram in the happenings since the last post. Suffice to say I'm now living in Alaska. Dillingham for the time being, Anchorage within the next two months. I am biking everyday about 10 miles a day in a pseudo race with unknown banditos... hey you gotta be inspired right; needless to say I win this race every day ;-). I snowshoe when I can although spring approaches and the snow recedes making the snowshoes less than necessary. I enjoy the extra cardio and the ability to jump off the trail when I'd like. I was approached for a possible kayak trip before the full fledged spring is upon us and will update the itinerary as it becomes available.

Glory to the Rosanero!!!

Here's to living

~PullTab

Begin as you mean to go on...

2008-01-08T05:37:00.001-09:00

I have been terribly negligent of this blog! Today is a new day. and so through the inspiration of a friend and a new direction home I will begin again. This blog will start anew...more coming soon

~PullTab

Meh

2007-07-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

Someone please save me from this horribly tedious redundant and otherwise unecessary data entry for the Ualbany phone systems. Please... there isn't much life left in me. pray i make it to home sweet home. One hour and counting.

~PullTab

You know better

2007-07-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

Well i've neglected you again... I'm back home. I was in cape cod from thursday to saturday. I went with a bunch of friends from Justin's school, who are kinda crazy but they are great friends to go on an adventure with... or maybe going with them is an adventure in itself. We got home late saturday night and i had a babysitting job on sunday, i have been questioning my new job already. The babysitting made it even worse. I just really enjoy working with kids and i feel like i am not happy doing other jobs. Why stop doing something that you love and are actually pretty good at? I guess you know better....

~PullTab

There you are

2007-06-26T13:10:00.000-08:00

We've not spoken in days. The weekend was a drunken mess as expected i suppose. I had fun and finally went to a bar here in Albany. I've been working at UAlbany so far this week and i expect to be there for a few more days. We are converting the phone system, new and interesting stuff for me. I am still feelin a bit of a cash flow problem, but another week or so and my head should clear water. We shall see. Been having quite a bit of contact with an old friend which i can honestly say is my high point these days. I'll try and keep in touch, farewell.

~PullTab

One down

2007-06-22T16:07:00.001-08:00

So i finished the first work week, of the new job. I had a great time honestly, i met some coworkers who are definitely people i consider friends. The quality of work is nice, quite a shift in responsibility as compared with the daycare. And for the same pay...wouldnt you know it. I had a hellishly long day yesterday, but the reward came today as i was let out around noon. Came home met the neighbor for awhile then went on a bike ride with morris. I think a bonfire is on the agenda for tonight. The weekend is shaping up. We shall meet again.

~PullTab

Overtime indeed

2007-06-21T21:19:00.001-08:00

So i worked a 14 hour day today. It was exhaustive but i enjoyed it thoroughly, and as i said i am totally in need of the cash...sad but true. Well it starts again early in the morning, but i think i am going to get out of work earlier. The rest of the weekend holds great promise. I bid you adieu

~PullTab

you sure about that

2007-06-20T16:42:00.000-08:00

Went for a nice ride today with morris, we still need to find a quick way to get out of this city on onto some roads with a little less traffic and more turns. Worked on the UAlbany campus this afternoon, had an alright time i guess. Going to Saugerties tomorrow, prolly be there all day but a good chance for some overtime. Gonna go have a little session with the neighbors. Catch ya Later.

~Pulltab

Its not so bad

2007-06-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

It has been so nice these last couple of days with the new laptop. Ive managed to bridge a ton of friendships i had foolishly let fall apart fade away, whatever it was a mistake and i hope to keep in contact with more of my friends more regularly. I am still having a decent time in albany...but i still have that out of my element feel i guess. I just find myself intimated really.. one is my sense of direction ( i lack it) and the other is my lack of interest i suppose. Perhaps it's clear in my superfluous use of indecisive descriptors but my life is in an up in the air phase right now.. See ya later mayhaps

~PullTab

It goes

2007-06-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

Work wasn't bad today, my big bonus is i get to ride the katana to work. Friday i might get sent to Plattsburgh's local HSBC for some network help. Morris and i just enjoyed a nice hookah whilst the thunderstorm brewed o'er head. Today was so hot its getting ridiculus, we are having trouble keeping this apartment cool. Well hopefully later we'll have some company and we can get elevated.

Time to get up and go to work

2007-06-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

A late start to say the least.. but i'm back on the old employment train, and boy am i pleased. Leasst now i can stop racking up huge IOUs with all my friends. To boot this job im about to undertake makes me once again a direct subserviant of.... yup my dad. Awesome, well i guess we shall see if this leads to a second estrangement to my paternal contributor. Until i know more farewell

Right ripped eh Terry

2007-06-17T06:16:00.000-08:00

Went on a little tear last night. White Russians all night... but we seriously need couches, the lawn furniture is getting old. I was sauced to say the least had to stumble to bed. Oh well today is gonna be a bike riding day once this rain moves through.

Awesome

2007-06-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

Picked up Morris' bike from Seymours in Colonie... His bike is sick, i'll post pics later. We are gonna ride to saratoga tonight. It's so sweet riding with someone else we are gonna have a nice time on the bikes

Not again

2007-06-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

So another night...i've been restless lately, staying up for no reason it's like being trapped by boredom. good news from an old friend is so uplifting. Tomorrow midday justin and i will be going to get his bike should be real classy, finally won't be riding alone. Things are turning out well here in Albany... a strange place for me rest assured.

Let's ride bikes!!

2007-06-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Morris practiced motorcycling on my bike today...it was parking lot mayhem, we get home and the bike place calls justin. the bike is in pick it up tomorrow. Looks like bike riding is on tomorrow's agenda

And then

2007-06-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

So it begins... somewhere to record, chronicle, document my mind...sweet